The Small World of Smallholder Sid (Part 1)
The wayward activities of a truculent smallholder who peers out of the pages of the Harrowing Times.
In the next few weeks I shall be posting episodes from the life of Smallholder Sid and his 2 friends Allotment Holder Alice and Farmer Fred. For some years they have been challenging the patience of the readers of the Harrowing Times. For those of you who are still unfamiliar with this esteemed publication, it is the voice of the Norfolk Smallholders Training Group which, as the name suggests, exists to support those who have a spot of land and like to grow their own produce or livestock. To find out more, pay a visit to:
https://www.nstg.org.uk
We have a piece of land but I confess that I am hopeless at growing things except weeds, so I would not be the first choice to produce articles about smallholding. Half a dozen years ago I was asked to provide some scraps of legal advice and I decided to bring in Sid, Alice and Fred to help explain the principles. Originally, as you will see, I ended each article with a piece of serious law.
Unfortunately, once the trio got together in the Snug of that well known Norfolk public house the Cowpat and Fly, and began consuming pints of Old Fart, things stopped going to plan as Sid in particular, proved to be a poor example of the upright citizen he was held out to be. Indeed it went rapidly down hill and Sid has suffered more scrapes than a ton of peeled potatoes.
The first few pieces are contained in my little Kindle Book with the same title (which you can download for the princely price of £2.50 or free with Kindle Unlimited) but I am extending some of the articles and plan to inflict those and many more in the next few weeks. I hope they will bring the occasional smile, even if you learn no law from them.
I intend to make my other posts as well. My substack pages remain free to all. If you are reading this but have not subscribed, I would love you to do so. It gives me the feeling that I am writing for a bigger audience. Besides, whether you like it or not, you will not miss a posting as you will receive a notification to your in-box
So here goes - Introducing Sid to an unsuspecting world.
They were all in their usual spot in the snug of the Cowpat & Fly Public House. Holding forth as usual was Smallholder Sid, red faced, slightly stout and with a pipe in his mouth. The pipe was not lit because even at the Cowpat & Fly they no longer allow smoking (it took them a whole year after the anti-smoking legislation was introduced to persuade all their customers to desist from the weedy habit). Next to Smallholder Sid was Farmer Fred and the trio was completed by Allotment Holder Alice.
They met regularly in the snug to discuss the fickle ways of the weather, the price of turnips and of course those bloody bureaucrats in Brussels that make our lives a misery. Tonight was no exception save that it was not so much a discussion as a diatribe from Smallholder Sid.
Taking a big sip from his pint of Old Fart and grasping his pipe by the bowl to use as a pointer he started to stab the air as he launched into the evils of ‘them regulations’ relating to feeding of chickens. He has 13 Buff Orpingtons and a Bantam. They all lay eggs obediently for most of the year and (as Sid pointed out proudly) they are very economical because they are fed mainly on scraps from the kitchen. But, he grumbled, he has now heard that ‘them lot’ in Brussels have made that illegal and he now has to buy expensive poultry food.
The others politely sipped their Old Farts as Sid ranted on, declaring that no one was going to tell him what to feed his chickens and he would if necessary take the matter to the highest court in the land. Unobserved by Sid (but closely observing Sid) a man with a pencil moustache was sitting on the other side of the snug. He was alone apart from the expensive mobile phone on the table in front of him and a half empty glass of orange juice. Compared to our friendly little group he cut a dapper figure in his smart pinstripe suit, white shirt and a tie that indicated that he had belonged to an exclusive club or public school.
An hour and a half later Sid was still in full flow. By then Farmer Fred had had his fill of Old Fart and was sound asleep, and Allotment Holder Alice had announced that she had to go home and water her geraniums (even though in fact she did not have any).
Deprived of an audience Smallholder Sid downed his last pint and made to leave, nearly knocking over the dapper little man in the corner.
A few weeks later Smallholder Sid was serving up to his hens a delicious combination of fatty pieces of beef, pork crackling and the trimmings from lamb chops along with potato peelings, carrot tops and a quantity of unmentionable soggy vegetables all swimming in gravy. The hens were delighted but took fright when they heard an ominous buzzing overhead. To Smallholder Sid’s surprise a large drone was hovering over him and his hens. Its camera was pointing first at him, then at the feast for the hens and finally at the hens which were beating a retreat to their henhouse. Smallholder Sid swore and waved at it vigorously. He tried to grab it but it danced away from him. Jumping was out of the question for Sid, given his weight and the force of gravity.
He dashed inside to grab his shotgun but by the time he returned, it had disappeared from sight. Several days later ther was a knock on his door and there standing with a clipboard in his hand and pencil moustache on his face was the dapper little man. He informed Smallholder Sid that he was from the Hen Diet Enforcement Unit of OffCluck (the body set up to ensure the welfare of foul everywhere) and that he had irrefutable photographic evidence that Sid had been feeding scraps from his kitchen to his hens. At first Smallholder Sid denied it all but when confronted with the evidence from the drone he had to admit it. He was given a sharp warning by the dapper little man that should even the smallest morsel from their kitchen table pass into the beak of any of his hens then next time he would be prosecuted to the full force of the law.
It was a very chastened Smallholder Sid who sat in the snug of the Cowpat & Fly the following week. Not once did he say anything about hens.
Serious legal note. If you keep hens you should not feed them any scraps that contain meat or meat products. Whether you really would get prosecuted for breaching the rules I cannot say but if you see a drone in the distance while you are carrying a bucket of kitchen scraps I suggest you eat the scraps and head for your shed and hide. See https://www.gov.uk/guidance/supplying-and-using-animal-by-products-as-farm-animal-feed
Richard Barr
I enjoyed your writing, and this is the second time recently that I have linked to the Gov.UK site. It really has wealth of information, doesn’t it. I look forward to your subsequent posts.